All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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