the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
