what day is it and did you see me today?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
