Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
