I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
