It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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