theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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