i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
