Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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