Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize