The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
