I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
