Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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