Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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