Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
