I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
