Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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