she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
