Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
