My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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