Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
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I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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