Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
