Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
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SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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