No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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