P.S. I can't hear my feet
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
