so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
