Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
