the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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