Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
