Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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