Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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