AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
