I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
