I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
