im six kinds of drunk right now
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
