my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
