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you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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