i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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