do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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