Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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