I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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