I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
