He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize