last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
