Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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