I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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