I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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