can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Randomize
