Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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