Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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