It's Friday. Sex?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
