dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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