we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
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Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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