Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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