Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
