My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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