I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize