Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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