You're my little dorito
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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