I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
