I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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