Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize