Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
